Adventures In Parodyverse: Hysterical Realm Part 1

Adventures In Parodyverse - Hysterical Realm Part 1

    "A little to the left," Al B. Harper whispered to Yuki Shiro. "Yes, that's good. No...right. Back to the right."

    'Listening to you is frustrating sometimes,' Yuki told him over the comm link.

    She was miles away trying to open a very frustrating silent mechanical combination lock while Al B used a metallurgy analysis program along with Yuki's visuals to detect when the lock's tumblers lined up by the frequency with which they vibrated the metal door ever so slightly. The computation had to be done outside Yuki's own on-board computer because it took the combined computing power of nearly a million PC's spread around the world.

    'You are going to destroy the distributed computing virus after this is done, right?' Yuki asked him.

    "Of course," Al promised.

    The safe finally opened with an audible 'clunk'. But as Yuki opened the door, she quickly learned that there were two catches. The first was that the safe was empty. The second was that opening the door triggered a device that blew natural gas from a pipe in the wall into the room.

    Yuki heard a faint, distant 'click click' sound, but by the time the sound began her quick reflexes sent her straight out the second floor window. Even so, she could feel the flames rapidly heating her back as she descended to the ground below. "Al? Al?" she asked quickly as she landed hard on her feet atop the cold ground.

    "Still here," he said. "What was that noise?"

    "It was a trap," she told him. "There was nothing in the safe. The whole place blew--"

    "Stay right there!" a voice warned her.

    Yuki stood slowly and squinted to see who it was through the waves of black smoke from the fire raging behind her. It seemed to be a man wearing a white shirt and a red cape, and many, many baseball caps attached to a belt. She watched him place a cap that read 'FDNY'...and suddenly the fire in the condo above her was gone.

    "Hatman," she whispered, just before she heard Al B. Harper curse.

---

    "And why exactly didn't you tell me?" Hatman asked, with an accusatory tone, as he stood over Al B. Harper in his cabin. Yuki was calmly perched on Al's desk, sipping a bottle of water. Hatman glanced at her for a moment and asked, "And how can she drink water?"

    "Her artificial body uses water to lubricate joints and as coolant, and her human brain needs food to--"

    "Never mind, never mind." Hatman changed his mind. "Just...answer the first question."

    Yuki noticed that Hatman never removed his generic Hatman cap or cape, which was unusual around someone like Al, who always seemed to be at the center of any and all information. She immediately concluded it was because of her presence.

    "I didn't think the Lair Legion would approve," Al admitted sheepishly. "Plus I didn't want CrazySugarFreakBoy! to know she exists."

    "Jay Boaz, right? Credit card number ends in 6727?" Yuki asked, giving him a charming smile.

    "Wha...?" Hatman/Jay Boaz turned pale at the sound of that. He frowned and pointed an angry finger in her direction. "You've been investigating me?"

    "No." Yuki shook her head. "Someone named Mr. Epitome has computer files on you that he shares with the Office of Paranormal Security. He really should encrypt his files much better, and probably not store them on his password protected web site for easy access. And you ordered the NYFD hat for fifteen dollars at a web site. It's the only place that has it."

    "Epitome?" Jay asked as he removed his cap and hastily tossed his cape aside. "I'll kill him! No...I'll let CSFB! annoy him until he deletes this files. That'll teach him."

    "Don't bother," Yuki told him. "I've already erased them while we were talking."

    Al B. tried to stifle a laugh, but Hatman wasn't amused.

    "Are you aware of how many laws you've broken inside of the last half hour?" Jay asked Yuki.

    Yuki carefully leaned forward, placing her elbow on her knee and resting her chin atop the palm of her hand. "You're not going to take me to jail, are you?"

    Jay looked at Al B's pleading eyes, and then back to Yuki. His shoulders drooped, and he sighed. "No. No, I won't. Just...stay out of Epitome's things. He could easily take this kind of thing out on your friend Al B." He looked more seriously at Yuki and added, "What were you doing in that condo, anyway? Did you know it belongs to the mayor of Paradopolis?"

    "Yes." Yuki nodded. "Someone asked me to investigate the possibility of the mayor taking payoffs from Zoxxon Oil. It was a trap, the safe was empty and the condo exploded. Natural gas caused the explosion, which is ironic considering an oil company is supposedly involved."

    "And who would this 'someone' be?" Jay asked suspiciously.

    She shrugged. "Some newspaper reporter named J. Jonah Jerkson. Trust me, he lived up to his name. I made him pay me in advance, he didn't seem trustworthy."

    "Hmm." Jay paused for a moment as curiosity began to get the better of him, and then suddenly overwhelmed him, unleashing questions. "Does Epitome have files on Jerkson?" he asked, "And does he have any on Sir Mumphrey?"

    "Both, yes. Though there isn't much on Jerkson besides tax records. Sir Mumphrey has a small file. Apparently Epitome isn't on good terms with British Intelligence." Yuki smiled and asked Jay, "Would you like to see the file Epitome had on you?"

    Jay bit his lip, unsure of how to answer that question.

---


    "What an ass monkey," CSFB! commented upon reading the primitive paper copy of Hatman's file printed out by Yuki on Al B's laser printer. "Where did you get this again?"

    Hatman cringed at CSFB!'s use of language. "A private investigator helped me," he said.

    "What's this private investigator's name?" CSFB! asked.

    "Leave it at that, Dream. Please." Jay Boaz tried walking away from him, but CSFB! quickly darted in front of him.

    "It's a girl, isn't it? What's her name? Is she cute? Does she have a nice rack?"

    "Dream!" Jay gritted his teeth for a moment and took a deep breath to calm himself. "I can't tell you anything about her, I promised. And she deserves some respect, okay?"

    "Sorry," CSFB! relented. "What does she look like?" he asked, trying for one more attempt.

    "I can't tell you. Sorry." Jay replied quickly. "She did give me a gift for you." He quickly handed the wired wonder a document that looked much like Hatman's file, except it was the size of the phone book.

    He cringed again a moment later when CSFB! made his earlier use of language seem like amateur hour.

---

    "Why is it always Zoxxon Oil?" Yuki asked as she leaned back on Al B Harper's couch, gently shoving aside a dozen or so plastic gadgets he had been working on. "Every case I've had so far."

    Al B looked confused for a moment, but didn't look up from his work. He thought the last case had ended when the mayor's condo blew up. "I...guess they step on a lot of people?"

    "What're you working on?" Yuki asked, suddenly interested in whatever was taking up so much of Al's attention.

    "Trans-dimensional flood detection," he said. He held up what seemed to a modified smoke detector. "It does sort of what Amazing Guy's cosmic awareness does...sort of. It tells me when someone is tampering with the time line."

    "What real use is it?" she asked. Without asking, she pulled a cord from her jacket and plugged it into the back of Al B Harper's custom built million-watt plutonium powered stereo system.

    "Careful, that's not finished--" he started to say. He smiled and seemed to completely mellow as Cameo's 'Candy' began blaring through the stereo loudly enough to wake the entire neighborhood. He quickly turned down the volume. "What's with the music?" he asked.

    "You always told me my internal computer was a hundred percent programmable. Now I have a music player." She smiled. "The song was playing on my car radio on the way here."

    "Very cool," Al laughed. "Maybe we can load my music collection into your brain?"

    "Ugh, no. I can't imagine the horror of twelve thousand songs stuck in my head."

    "Twelve thousand six hundred and eight," Al B corrected.

    Yuki rolled her eyes. "Mr Precision strikes again," she joked. "Tell me more about the glorified smoke detector. Can we actually use it?"

    Al B laughed out loud. There was something about the way she said things that just amused him, even when she was teasing him. "Yes," he said. "If the Hooded Hood starts to change things, or if the Chain Knight tries to make a return, this little thing will tell us that the time signature has changed--"

    He and Yuki both frowned suddenly when the small unit began beeping frantically, and all of its red, blue, and green LED's lit simultaneously. It was evident a moment later why.

    Ebony, High Priestess of the Cult of Shoggoth appeared. She frowned at the irritating noise being made by the augmented smoke detector. A Chinese teenager they recognized as Liu Xi Xian was standing immediately behind Ebony - she made a quick motion, and the device caught fire.

    "Ack!" Al B harper tossed the device into a trash can and blasted it with a fire extinguisher. "What did you do that for? It took me a week to design!"

    "Design new one with volume switch," the teen suggested.

    He paused for a moment, and then smiled. "Excellent idea!" he exclaimed, and immediately began drawing a crude wiring diagram on a Post-It.

    "What brings you two to Al B. Harper's humble wilderness cabin?" Yuki asked.

    "The Manga Shoggoth," Ebony replied. There was a pause which could have been a high and bass drum sound followed by a cymbal if there would have been a drum set present. "We require assistance."

    "Let me guess," Yuki began, "This teenager was shipped into Mangatown by someone wanting a very young mail-order bride, and you want to find out who it is?"

    "No," Ebony replied. She sighed and looked skyward. "Sadly, the perpetrator has been consumed by the Shoggoth." She seated herself on Al B's overcrowded couch. "Liu Xi's parents were killed two years ago during a protest in Tianjin, they were labeled as dissidents by the communist government. Liu Xi somehow made it to Shanghai, where she--" Ebony looked at the smaller Chinese teen. "--hustled people for a living."

    "Hustled?" Yuki asked.

    "She had a genetic predisposition toward being able to access the power of the five Chinese elements...and then she discovered the unattainable sixth, Void."

    Al B Harper seemed confused. He looked at Yuki to see if she could clarify things.

    "Void is the unknown power," Ebony explained. "The power over the in-between, to bring illusion to reality. As the Shoggoth told you, she sees more than she understands, and understands more than she sees. Or in simple terms, once her power is properly developed she will be able to understand the insane and impossible, and make you understand it as well."

    "Why is this important?" Al B asked. "I mean, besides being able to create bathrooms from nowhere?"

    "It's not, to you," Ebony pointed out. "But to the Shoggoth, this girl is the key to bridging a fundamental rift between himself and those he calls friends. To her, his existence is very simple. If she can learn to articulate it properly, perhaps his friends will understand as well."

    "She can really explain him?" Yuki asked.

    "Not yet." Ebony looked behind her again. "But she knows. The Shoggoth has sensed it."

    "That really gives me the creeps," Al B said. "The only thing scarier than the Manga Shoggoth is someone who can figure him out."

    "Your mind," Liu Xi said in slow, broken English, "So...inflexible. You think Shoggoth is impossible. He not impossible. You can see him, touch him."

    "What about all that many-angled euclidian stuff?" Al asked.

    "Don't think...so much," Liu Xi advised. "Just accept. Is different, yes. Let difference reassure you."

    "That's hard to remember," Al B swallowed, "When you fall into a pit of both light and darkness and don't know if you're falling up or down."

    Liu Xi smiled. "Perhaps both. Don't think. Just...enjoy." She raised her arms, and for just a few seconds, Al B Harper's cabin became about ten times the size, like a warehouse. "Understand?" she asked.

    Al B Harper was frozen in his chair, his bubble pipe fallen carelessly into his lap.

    "I think I get it," Yuki told Al. "It's about trust. She's unafraid because she knows what she sees won't hurt her."

    "Yes." Liu Xi nodded slowly, once. "Too many afraid for no reason."

    "So what do you need us for?" Yuki finally asked.

    "Simple," Ebony told her, "You see, if Liu Xi is to become a bridge between the Shoggoth's world and this world, she can't live in his care forever. I'd like you to find a way to make this world available to her. To make sure she's considered legal."

    Yuki looked at Al B for a moment, and noted he didn't object. "We can do that."

    "And I would like you to do it today," Ebony added. "While you keep an eye on her. The Shoggoth and I need to go anime shopping."

    Al B sighed, but then shrugged. "Sure. Why not."

TO BE CONTINUED SOON!

-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2005 by Jason Froikin, and may not be
-- reprinted without permission.
-- Yuki Shiro designed by Jason Froikin, based on designs by Masamune Shirow

Post By Anime Jason Sat Jan 01, 2005 at 04:47:29 pm EST	Subject Adventures In Parodyverse: Hysterical Realm Part 1

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